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I am a mother, a grandmother, and a teacher. But whatever happens in my life, I keep sewing. I have worked as a political communicator and now as a teacher in my formal life. I have also written extensively on sewing. I have been a frequent contributor and contributing editor of Threads magazine and the Australian magazine Dressmaking with Stitches. My book Sew.. the garment-making book of knowledge was published in May 2018 and is available for pre-order from Amazon


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Wednesday, June 20, 2018

Flypaper thought: another boss of the world edition

  • Sometime ago I made a list of things I would make sure happen
  • If I were the boss of the world
  • It turns out that if you have an aptitude for world domination
  • The ideas keep on coming
  • So here we go
  • If I were the boss of the world any actual world leader
  • Would be forced to behave the way their mothers told them they should
  • Or we replace them with the mothers
  • If I were the boss of the world jars of face cream would be packaged
  • Only in boxes that were the same size as the actual face cream
  • Not in some Russian doll (to offence to actual Russian dolls) system
  • Of a large cardboard box
  • That contains a jar
  • Under a lid that fills out half the inside of the box
  • That screws onto a jar with the thickness sides you ever saw
  • That when you lift off the plastic thing under the lid
  • Reveals about half a teaspoon of something that does not contain enough to take the wrinkles off the face of a mouse
  • If I were the boss of the world half a teaspoon of something that 96% of people you don't actually know, and who you can't access their names or addresses to actually check on this have endorsed
  • Would never be disguised like that
  • By 96% who are pretty sure that they probably had noticeably fewer wrinkles they are fairly sure
  • Than they did two weeks ago if they had been checking at that time
  • Or as a statistician would tell you
  •  If two sisters looked at their faces and one asked the other one
  • "Do you think this cream is working at all?
  • And the other one said "Well maybe,"
  • "What do you think?"
  • That in the world of high level statistics and the science of probability that works out to exactly 96% a positive result
  • Which come to think of it are pretty good odds for half a teaspoon
  • If I were the boss of the world
  • Dump it and forget about it crock pot meals actually tasted better than careful cooking
  • And no food blogger or writer would be allowed to use the work riff
  • As in "a riff on the traditional potato salad" you know the one that uses miso instead of mayo
  • And no sewing blogger can use the word hack unless they mean
  • Cut into tiny pieces and stomp on that pattern that used up all the good fabric and told you to do what no one human, not and particularly not 96%, could ever do even if they were sewing geniuses
  • And hack involved scissors 
  • If I were the boss of the world
  • No one would be allowed to write in a cover letter that they were passionate about anything
  • That they know full well they would only do if someone were going to pay them and make it worth their while
  • Or say they are excited
  • About things that involve writing a report
  • While sitting in a cubicle
  • If I were the boss of the world 
  • I would install a feature on all cell phones that turned them off in parental hands any time a child was within 10 feet
  • Except when pictures were being taken to send to grandparents
  • If I were the boss of the world sewing would be listed as a profession
  • And there would be pension plans for people who collect fabric
  • And fabric stashes were tax deductible
  • And spouses said things like
  • We have that extra money to spend before year end
  • And "do you think you can do something about that?"
  • And time off to sew was included in corporate wellness plans
  • Where it belongs
  • If I were the boss of the world


Bunny said...

Please become boss of the world and get rid of that HACK thing. I think when pattern companies market pattern "to be hacked" it's time has come. Funny how the mainstream removes all cache from cleverspeak.

Carol in Denver said...

Well, not all mothers gave good guidance but other than that your ideas are spot on. Oh, a couple more. In movies, when someone comes in a door or goes out a door, they almost NEVER CLOSE THE DOOR. It drives me nuts. It should be a rule that such doors should be closed. Also, anyone who uses corporate jargon should be lashed with wet noodles.

Unknown said...

And maybe you would see what you could do about size/measurement standardization....could we start with bras?

And when there was a little time, maybe talk with shoe manufacturers. Just because a woman has problematic feet due to injury , genetics or age, she shouldn't have to wear ugly shoes.

Alison said...

Oh thank you! I really needed a bit of a bright spot of laughter today, and your flypaper comments, particularly about "hacking" really were just the thing...

Jeanneke said...

I'd be on top of the world with you being the boss of it, Barbara. It would be a blessing to the next generation(s) if your, in my opinion # 1, rule/plan were actually realized: install a feature on all cell phones that turned them off in parental hands any time a child was within 10 feet.
May I say 'parental' could in many cases/places/circumstances be replaced by 'adult'?


Jenerators said...

I particularly like your last 9 bullet points

paloverdeblooms said...

And no one would be allowed to described their online fabric store as containing a beautifully *curated* collection of fabrics.

Kansas Sky said...

Oh, you do bless my life!!!!! THANK YOU for being so wonderful! And writing such a magnificent book --- this experienced sewer has learned more in the first 3 sections than I'd ever imagined. Every page is a page to savor. ..... In the midst of a family wedding whirlwind, this book is keeping me focused. Thanks for that, too!

annie said...

Oh, WOW!!! "Hack," and "Passionate," and (see above) "curated." They make me want to grind my teeth. So can I donate to your campaign fund? And yes, you can use it on fabric to make your inaugural ball gown.

Michelle said...

You've got my vote! What a Utopia you've described.

If I were boss of the world--besides ending hunger, mandating full gender equality and assigning the same legal rights that we humans in developed countries enjoy to the natural world--I would forbid cafe workers from asking if they can "grab" my name when I order a coffee.

fiberchick said...

We have that extra money to spend before year end
And "do you think you can do something about that?"

Came for the sewing but I'm staying for the laughs!

tmd said...

Inexplicably, I find myself picturing Angela Landsbury in Manchurian Candidate—can’t think why ;) Totally on board with “hack”; also irritated profoundly by “sewist.” I’d be on board with gender-neutral language if 1) it didn’t completely obscure the history of professions which were often gendered and in which women (and men, respectively) made exceptional contributions to the world—hello, Betsy Ross, how ya been?—and 2) they didn’t make such a d**n mess of the language when they denude it. “Layperson”? Really?

Anonymous said...

Please become the Boss of All the Worlds!
(and take many world leaders to the woodshed)

Leigh said...

That 'hack' thing totally gets on my nerves and it's used for EVERYTHING.

And YEAH, sewing SHOULD be part of wellness plans. Darned tootin.

Cynthiacc said...

I so wish you were the boss of the world!